Monday, September 08, 2014
Saturday, March 26, 2011
America has been spending fantastic amounts of resources to develop ever more efficient weaponry at least since the Second World War when it mounted to the throne of God with its development and deployment on Japan of the atom bomb. The hubris inspired by the bombing (and the word 'bombing' is virtually a euphemism) of hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilians went on to intoxicate the nation. That hubris has driven America to become a military-corporate-financial world Empire ever since, and this fact is effulgent in the words of Harry Truman, August 6th, 1945: "It is an atomic bomb. It is a harnessing of the basic power of the universe. The force from which the sun draws its power has been loosed against those who brought war to the Far East." Since 1945, America has seen itself as The One Big F@!#ing Hammer, and every other nation and people on the planet has looked to it like, and had damned well better act like, a nail.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Regardless of whether the observation takes in America's rampant social and economic inequality, the stark injustice of its legal system, its decaying and neglected infrastructure, its abandonment of public education, its grossly overpaid and opportunistic government officials, its greedy and ruthless corporations and banks, its institutionalized bigotry, its over-extensive and coercive global military, its intrusive and subversive "intelligence" operations, its support of undemocratic client and puppet regimes and suppression of those "rogue" regimes that to do not submit to America's global capital empire, and other facets, the time-frame is always placed safely in the future. None of these suboptimal states have really happened, yet. They will always and ever be looming in the unreality of potentiality.
It is a rhetorical means of ontological etiolation. The being, the actuality, of the thing is drained away to leave only the words. The reality of the matter is flattened and rendered impotent, moot.
This always results in the naïve and impotent admonition that if "we" do not "wake up" and act together, and soon, to change things from the ground up, these awful states of affairs could, some day, come true.
But, this and that dismal state of affairs already exists, and many have existed for years, decades, even centuries, and this is blatantly obvious to anyone whose mind is both ideologically unclouded and well-educated enough to recognize it.
In the minds of such authors and so, too, in their audiences, these dismal and even shameful states of affairs are still looming, impending, still not yet actually happening. We are still those pure and unsullied Americans that populate our mythology, our white-washed history, and who comprise our national identity as we cognitively observe these things that we have done and are doing from a secure psychic and moral distance, as though "we" hadn't yet committed them. It is an amazing cognitive maneuver of self- and social and cultural absolution and expiation. A moral defense mechanism and carte blanche means of self-justification.
It is also the basis of utter irresponsibility and hypocrisy, and it is built-in to the American mind.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Mr. Smith had piqued my interest. The idea of water as a solvent was obvious, but ubiquity had placed it beneath conscious awareness. What is a solvent but an agent that when introduced to another causes its disintegration?
Of course, as that world-view dissolved, an ostensibly more accurate revision asserted itself. But according to the principle, the revision had to be equally vulnerable to dissolution.
The concept of solvents applied to the world of the mind, that much was clear. The metaphor became the paradigm and was driving the alignment of its ramifications.
What exactly were the mental equivalents of chemical solvents and the things they dissolved? These had to be ideas. There was, therefore, a whole chemistry of ideas. Ideas could be inert or they could be combustible. They could be stable or unstable. Ideas could be soluble or insoluble. They could compose and decompose; be catalysts, like the idea of solvents had been. Most importantly, ideas could be neutral, or have positive or negative charges; they could be polarized.
Functionally, ideas viewed as chemical elements and reactions could be seen as on- and off- switches, as triggers, as medicines, as balms, as poisons, as incendiaries. Ideas could affect people like opiates and narcotics, like tranquilizers or stimulants. The analogy seemed completely coextensive. It all made sense and was fascinating.
Had Mr. Smith noticed my vacant expression, he would probably have assumed that it was due to adolescent distraction. Instead, my thoughts had gone off in pursuit of the full extent and boundaries of the metaphorical implications. Ideas, like chemicals, I realized, deserved their own periodic table.
Unfortunately, knowing what is happening or that it is happening, is no protection. A person may think that being conscious of the process is tantamount to being defended, or “inoculated,” against ideas as active agents, but such is not the case. On the contrary, it is a delusion, one of many delusions inherent in consciousness, that blinds a person to the fact of its happening, and this is yet another of the ideo-chemical reactions of which I was becoming aware. Seeing, reading, listening and hearing with comprehension is tantamount to getting the full dosage.
Several years afterwards, in college, we learned that, for ages already, philosophers have been admonishing people: “Know Yourself!” But knowing that our heads are beakers containing some stable, some unstable, some potentially volatile mixtures of ideas made this admonition patently absurd. Which of these ideas in the mix was to form a stable basis from which to evaluate the others?—particularly when one considers the fact that all of those ideas are reactive elements in and interactive components of one and the same dynamical system: the ecology of mind.
It seemed obvious that religions had been contrived to play this part. Their authority, their essential reality, to my view, collapsed with that realization.
There is no sentient eye in the universe behind which some volatile ideological soup isn't roiling and spattering; and that can only mean that there is no objective truth.
But for every ideological cauldron in a human body there are subjective truths; albeit, impermanent ones. Truths that are more or less transient. Any so-called truths would have to be the "heaviest" elements (by the metaphorical weight of social and cultural convention) or the most stable ideas, or complexes of ideas; those that dominate and endure at least long enough to manifest themselves in some form of expression through the body: in the emotions, on the face, in the behavior, speech, in writing, or in images. These subjective and relative truths are the ideas and complexes of ideas that constitute the beliefs, the values, and the assumptions—the structural elements of mind.
These bipartite frames are variously called dichotomies, or binaries, and they create artificial oppositions, choices, dilemmas, and pairings of concepts that by this very imposed association come to entail the implication of antagonism.
Regardless, of all these deficiencies, the human brain appears to have no recourse other than to try to reduce matters to binaries.
A large part of the appeal of binaries is founded upon the mutually definitive dynamic that operates between the two juxtaposed facets by virtue of logic: the act of postulating the obverse brings the reverse into existence by the dynamic of logical contrast. What the obverse is defined to be instantaneously excludes and therefore sequesters to the reverse all that which is excluded. At base, once the binary is framed, it engenders consequent reasoning by disjunctive syllogism: either p or q; not p, therefore q.
Although under certain carefully defined and qualified circumstances this may be valid, it is also irresistibly seductive, and invites minds to indulge in applying the formula in waves that radiate outward across categories: “us or them; not us, therefore them; we are good; they are not us; therefore they are bad; we are right; they are not us; therefore, they are wrong”; et cetera. As the process cascades, it creates an entity on the reverse side of the coin that is everything that the obverse is not, and attributes a range of potentially devastating characteristics to it by simple disjunctive imperative.
The disjunctive cascade rolls out automatically and seems to answer a range of questions with enough logical certainty that somatic markers are likely to be created by the subsystems of the brain to reinforce the conclusions so generated; that is to say that visceral feelings of certainty are secreted to psychically reinforce such conclusions.
It is important to remember, however, that the entire process proceeds within the mind and without reference to external proofs, and therefore is likely to possess an exclusively human reality.
Polarization, or the binary disjunctive, also functions like a solvent. In a fast process, it reduces the immediately relevant universe to a pair of antagonistic alternatives, dissolves one of them by the process described in the preceding section, and leaves the other to authorize action almost instantly. The process requires virtually no conscious thought whatsoever, and thus is a transformation that leads to fast and decisive action.
Beside such stable binaries, there are ideologically unstable binaries which cause various degrees of chaotic perturbation in different societies. One of these is the unstable binary: Accomplishment / Process. In the context of American culture, the polarity of this binary is unstable: it vacillates, or oscillates, leading some to pursue as superior absorption in process, while leading others to pursue manifest or durable accomplishment—the diametric opposite.
In any particular culture, innumerable unstable binaries may be found wreaking havoc among the stable ones.
To clarify with several examples, the American culture has positioned the following as relatively stable polarized binaries, and has determined that one facet of each pair is positive, or operationally dominant: the idea of more as superior to less; the idea of material over spirit; the idea of individual over group; of action over thought; of new over old; of now over then; of fast over slow; of us over them; of might over right; of appearance over content, and façade over truth; of rich over poor; of white over black; of ends over means; of young over old; and of fun over practically everything else. The full array is too lengthy to list here—even if that were possible!
The machines of culture, ironically, take on lives of their own—and lives not necessarily aligned with the best interest of the species. Just as small binary machines compose machines called cultures, so too do cultures compose the larger machine of the global human community. The cultures are systems of ideas and valuations that often compete with one another for dominance and power in the larger sphere of the human community. This accounts for the fact that this larger machine of the global human community is and has always been characterized by threats of and actual violence, slaughters, murders, rapes, genocides, and mass-enslavements of both the physical and the economic kinds.
In attempting to produce perfect stereotypes, cultures encounter difficulties arising from: a) physiological variations among the brains of the population; b) imperfections in the process of enculturation; c) the interference wrought by antagonistic ideas and competing cultures; d) free and divergent ideas, strings of ideas, and partial and complete ideological complexes such as religions and national, ethnic, and gender identities. If not for these difficulties, each individual enculturated in the same cultural matrix would be as alike to all the others as peas of the same pod. The only differences between members of the species would be manifest in physiological variations, even as mannerisms, gestures, and expressions cleaved to one norm.
PART VI. Heroes and Identities
The array of positive attributes embodied in the hero-image are the points of adherence and communion for a culturally homogeneous audience. The cultural identities of the audience members comprise that same array of culturally determined attributions, more or less, so the audience cannot help but assimilate to the hero, there being no salient difference between themselves and the hero. Members of the audience are, potentially, duplicates or stereotypes of the identical cultural complex and thus, avatars themselves. The enculturated audience melds with the properly constructed hero like water into water.
In hero stories, as the hero dominates the extra-cultural world as manifested by various nemeses, and does so by virtue of the strength and power inherent in the shared cultural complex of positive attributes that he or she embodies, the audience is confirmed in its faith in its culture, and individuals are confirmed in their identities. Those cultural attributes inform, invest, and inspire the gender identities, national identity, and the range of socially acceptable persona-identities of the audience.
The positive attributes of the cultural array are the touchstones of social and societal communion. They confer upon their bearers existence itself, within the socio-cultural context. The greater the number of culturally positive attributes displayed, the greater the social substance, ontological status, and power of the one who manifests them.
The one who displays evidence of a full array of culturally positive traits is said by members of that milieu to have character. In the event of an encounter with an individual or group that fails to manifest a sufficient number of positive culture traits, a defensive reflex erects in-group/out-group boundaries (in accordance with strategic polarization, as discussed in part two). This defensive reflex runs down the full array of culturally positive attributes defining disjunctively the out-one, or out-group, by contrast, building an exclusionary boundary around them.
People, and characters in texts, without these cultural traits become progressively insubstantial, or unreal. To the extent of the lack, these characters drift toward social insignificance, toward social invisibility. Such a defensive social reflex is automatic and tends to run to completion; at which point, the perceived outsider or out-group has been defined by an array that is everything that the in-group is not. It is an identification constructed by attributing to the individual or group so objectified the inverse of the cultural paradigm. It is inevitable that this entails for the one(s) objectified a potentially lethal loss of ontological status and moral protection. Such objectification often reaches the extreme binary determination: “We are human; he/she/they are not,” with tragic dehumanization resulting. It is the bedrock binary of social construction: “it exists / it does not exist.” Once this point has been reached, the objectified character has lost all ontological status and no longer merits human compassion. Such an “outed” character may be utterly ignored, or cruelly used; murder is freed from its moral sanction; the killing, the torture, the exile of the out-one(s) no longer carries moral or ontological significance.
Within a cultural paradigm, appearances, behaviors, and verbal expressions are formalized to express specific ideas and identities. The ideas associated with visual and aural signs are matters of cultural convention. They cleave to cultural value judgments. For each member of the society, generally speaking, to the extent that the ideas associated with the appearance are not belied by the ideas associated with the behavior or those associated with the language used, a person is adjudged honest, or sincere, or true, and will be accorded the trust and credibility of an in-group member. It is basic social competence to harmonize one's appearance, behavior, and verbal expression. Conversely, to the extent that any of the ideas transmitted by the visual or aural signals presented by a person seem dissonant, unease will be triggered in response, and social trust and credibility will dissolve, dissipate, or fail to materialize.
Since Mr. Smith's class in junior high school, I have known that knowing of this, being conscious of it, is no inoculation. The ideological processes of mind occur beneath the level of consciousness. But the fact that investigating these matters does not confer immunity is not a good reason to retreat from it. Compelling puzzles remain unanswered.
For all my preoccupation with ideas it might be thought that I had forgotten the human body. Such is not the case. People, by their behavior, make this impossible to forget for any length of time. Here is another thing I know: that beneath the cultural beakers and the ideological alchemy, humans are animals driven by hungers, and by such strong emotions as fear. We are one of the five species of Great Apes with whom we share membership in the family hominidae of the order of the Primates—but with one critical difference: the lost capacity for true contentment.
The complacency of our cousins, the chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, and bonobos, is striking by contrast to the restlessness of homo sapiens. It is the large, sophisticated neocortex of the human brain and its expanded capacity for consciousness, memory, language, awareness, and thought, that accounts for the difference.
In humans, the neocortex supports the emergent human mind, while the mammalian and reptilian brain complexes beneath it and immediate to our sensory engagement with the natural world sustain the physical human animal. If these latter brain complexes had never been surmounted by the enlarged neocortex, humans would never have left the forests of Africa. They would be, ceteris paribus, as the chimpanzees remain: social animals content with their ecological niche. But with the enlargement of the cortex came the emergence of the mind and its ideologies and capacity for idealization; and consequently, the engine of movement in discontent.
Before the bifurcation of mind occurs, the human animal is immersed in reality and at one with it, like the other apes. After the bifurcation, the here-and-now of the physical body fixed in time and place loses ontological status as it comes to exist as the less desirable moiety in juxtaposition with a constructed conceptual world of ideals. Thereafter, the projected or envisioned universe of homelands, utopias, Gardens of Eden, idealized communities, and of satiation and contentment, grows in power in the psychological ecology of mind to the detriment of the actual reality of physical experience.
The existence of the idealizations—and the powerful emotion called hope that charges and gilds them—denigrates the actual so that the negatively-charged emotions of dissatisfaction, discontentment, dislocation, and alienation become associated with actual physical circumstances. It is the dynamic of binary polarization. Mental focus and energy shift toward the ideal and away from the actual, reducing psychic presence and efficacy in the body. The powerful emotions of hope, faith, and desire continue to drive the bifurcation of mind as they charge positively the ideal world, the future, and such goals as pleasure, harmony, happiness, adventure, fun, fantasy, satisfaction, fulfillment, and homecoming. By the force inherent in disjunctive polarization, the complementary negative and equally powerful emotions of disillusionment, disaffection, and disengagement drive the psychic energy, or spirit, away from the actual physical circumstances of the individual. This polarization is the source of dynamic energy that drives the individual to strive away from the actual and toward the ideal. In the process, contact with reality is progressively diminished. The psychic friction of engagement between mind and the physical world is lost as emotions lubricate the interface. To the extent—and it is a broad spectrum of degrees—that emotions are aroused in response to ideals and become strongly associated with them, rational thought processes are squelched.
Idealizations are, in fact, highly evocative of emotions, and highly likely to be strongly charged with them. The individual driven by a strongly bifurcated, ideal-real mind, gives up driving and is driven, often quite predictably. Grifters, salespeople, politicians, propagandists, lawyers, authors, and the proselytizers of various disciplines, faiths and religions, all know of this vulnerability and exploit it as a tool of their trade.
As individuals become removed from reality and immersed in a bifurcated world, the means of crossing from the shadow world of hunger into the illuminated world of satiation become paramount. To escape from the unfulfilling actuality of the present to the fulfilled ideal of the future, ways and means of transformation and translocation become supremely important—journeys, migrations, metamorphoses, and programs, designs, schemes, and plans to effect change, such as missions and quests, are initiated. The conceptualization of human life departs from metaphors that entail stasis or contentment to replace them with metaphors of journeys, voyages, and metamorphoses. The bifurcated mind posits the ideal against the real, and between them is born the concept of universal plasticity. Everything is plastic and subject to transformation, metamorphosis, to re-shaping, re-modeling, re-creating—even to every dimension of the human being: body, soul, personality, and identity.
The world is contrasted to the mind in the ultimate polarized binary in which the mind sequesters the positive charge to itself and its envisioning, to its ideas and ideals. On the other side of the coin is a negatively charged world from which people are detached by virtue of their minds, and through which they go adventuring. This conceptualization crystallizes and is preserved in the anti-natural cultural array. The contentment of the apes, their embodied lives in their ancestral groves, is betrayed and abandoned. Humanity has forgotten that it is one species of ape, preferring instead to see itself as a race of demigods. Humanity is descended from Cain, the other apes from Abel.
The metaphors of journeys travel roads, those of voyages sail the seas, and both traverse a world, a sea, of change. The individuated self assimilates to its idealizations, and by disjunctive framing, all other people assimilate to the world.
In its idealizing, each individual self conceives of itself as one unique paradigm, sui generis, distinct from and superior to the rest of humanity, while the rest of humanity becomes an element of the landscape or sea that is traversed. As such, people are reduced to obstacles or objects to be used; they become semi-transparent ghosts, pernicious pests, or resources to be exploited. Idealizations are solvents of realistic conceptions. The connectedness of humanity as one community is an idea that is dissolved in them.
To those whose identities assimilate to idealized heroes, and whose lives are idealized as journeys, or quests, the world is reduced to a theater of uncertainty, complexity, and threat; its dimensions are chaotic, dynamic, all in flux, and there is risk inherent in every passing instant.
There is what I call the “romance of the singularity,” for example. The emotion of hope, like the better-researched emotions of anxiety and fear, throttles the brain down to an intensified but radically narrowed focus that quiets other brain systems in favor of presence. In this state, the brain sees the one chance, the one possibility, that inspired the hope, while fogging out all highly relevant but peripheral considerations. Take for example, the typical state lottery in the United States. A player's odds of winning range from 20 million to one (20,000,000 : 1), up to 120 million to one (120,000,000 : 1); still, the player sees in the pinpoint focus of the narrowed mind's eye only the one chance of winning because it is the one that triggers the flood of slow neurotransmitters that we commonly call hope. The emotion fogs out the entire field of 20,000,000 losing chances and the extremely high probability of failure.
A very similar process occurs when a person “falls in love.”
The malcontents who seek the undefined ideal in the general terms of a quest for happiness, or fulfillment, employ the language of adventure, opportunity, and the delving of mystery to justify their journey. Some seek to justify their amorphous journeys further in terms of exploration, or enriching discovery. In most cases, the desire to move from the real toward the ideal is construed as a liminal phenomenon of metamorphosis, of becoming new, more, or better than what one actually is. It is always a forsaking, a leaving, a going, an ending, an abandonment, a molting, a shedding, a rejection. It is always a roaming, a seeking, an ambition, a lusting, a harvesting. It is always a devaluing of what is here, now, in hand, and an overvaluing of what is potential, ideal, envisioned. And in one obvious way, it is always tragic.
First of all, the problems of conception and naming: the idea of vagabondage, or mendicancy, initially appealing, was finally understood to be both socially frightening to the vested interests and denotative of directionlessness: of the goalless journey. Vagabonds, mendicants, gypsies, hobos, and the like, evoke fear and anxiety responses in people who own land and property, which the majority of Americans do. Taking as one's identity such a mien would initiate in others a reflexive rejection of that persona. If perceived as a vagabond, one would be subject to the defensive and reflexive disjunctive objectification that was described in part seven. The "vagabond" would be sequestered to the status of outsider or a member of some out-group, stripped of ontological status, deprived of social credibility, and become persona non grata. It is the identity of the pilgrim as one who travels or wanders yet with a valid destination in mind that is the best choice of capsid. The pilgrim is an archetype—a prominent figure in mythology from ancient times to the birth of the American nation. The pilgrim's goals are always inherently, socially, and spiritually worthy. It is the appearance of having a valid goal that justifies and sanctions the wandering pilgrim in the socio-cultural matrix.
Imagine this: both people and texts can be conceptualized as function machines. In both, ideas go in, are processed through active principles, and come out changed. In texts, we read the long string of words from start to finish in order to discover what the function is—or in terms of more advanced algebra, what the functions are—that inhabit that function machine. The text might include vivid description and rich detail, and it may be couched in the best words the language has to offer, but it will not excite and satisfy the mind if it is not inhabited by a fascinating function or functions that can be recognized or derived; in that case, the text will remain a string of words suffused with poetry. A text that composes a story may be, and perhaps must be viewed as a machine of fabrication.
Needless to say, the function of the textual machine is not limited to epideictic celebrations of cultural values and their embodiments—unless profit and fame are the motives of the author, for these are perennially popular.
Heroes journey for the glory of their culture. In a pilgrimage, one pilgrim dies and another carries on. Adventurers are followed by more adventurers. And since consciousness began, humans have sought to know their identity and purpose in the universe by wandering. The motive always transcends the character. Each one moves for some greater purpose.
Of course, human purpose is not by any means encompassed by these four archetypes. The range of human purpose is a wide spectrum of degrees that descends from the rarefied atmosphere of the spiritual into the depths of depravity. By personal inclination and moral compass, I am repelled by the color-range that departs too far from the moral, spiritual range. Human behavior that seems more animal than human seems to me unworthy of recording. Lust, violence, sex, insanity—all popular matters in fiction writing, to be sure—seem no more than stories by the limbic brain for the purpose of stimulating the limbic brain, the emotions.
De gustibus non est disputandum. There is no accounting for matters of taste.
There can be no doubt that each of the archetypes is human and is driven by and for lust, violence, sex, and insanity. These are inherent to the human animal; but to my mind, the reason for writing at all is to record for the sake of universal identity and understanding the dimension of humanity that transcends its animal basis, not to wallow in it. The purpose of writing and of reading and of art in general is not merely glandular. I believe that the purpose must be to bring the enlightenment of knowledge and understanding to human minds by which they may become more aware and more responsible small function machines in the ultimate function machine that is the universe.
Unlike a hero's quest, an adventurer's expeditions, or a drifter's wanderings, a pilgrimage may be as transgenerational as any great migration. A migration is a pilgrimage. Individual monarch butterflies are not in any way, shape, or form subject to heroic conceptualization. They are undifferentiable, like the honeybees, and rightly so. In them, and in all of the migratory animals, the species moves to seek its own perpetuation. Individuals are only so by the intervention of the anthropocentric human brain as it asserts its dichotomies. The pilgrim moves for powerful reasons that he or she cannot completely understand, as an agent of the species, not the culture. The pilgrimage is not a journey, not an adventure, and not a wandering. Confused individuated human beings lust after the status of the hero, or the adventurer, for its material and social rewards; less so after the status of a pilgrim or a drifter, although even these succumb to such desires. In reality, there are no individuals, only the species pursuing perpetuation. Cultures are just one of their means.
The Artist is the Audience's Brush
I awoke with this analogy in mind: that writing is organized in two great domains: the architecture and the construction, or building phase. In the first architectural phase, a grand design must be conceived and carefully drawn up in overall conception as well as to result in the equivalent of a blueprint, or design plan. In the building phase, structural logic and sequence must guide the craft to build from the ground up. The complete foundation with precursor systems must precede the construction of the edifice. The words are the lumber, the sentences are the joins. Quality is a concern at every phase and step.
Without any part of these, the project fails. There is no building built without a good plan, without a proper foundation, good lumber, and good joinery. For making these statements, I might be accused and convicted of stating the obvious; yet it comes to me as if for the first time.
But wait. What about improvisation? In music, improvisation is often the most satisfying of musics. How does improvisation fit into the analogy—if at all?
It helps to remember that music is an entire abstract language unto itself, and as such, parallels more intimately the language used in speaking and writing than the visual language of architecture. The levels of complexity that can be achieved in the verbal and musical languages exceeds that of the visual field by orders of magnitude due to the complete lack of physical restraint.
I remember it being argued that good improvisation requires as much or more planning and skill as does the standard, pre-composed music that corresponds in our analogy to the architecture-followed-by-construction approach to writing. The great improviser is enabled by incalculable hours of discipline and practice in all of the principle materials and devices of music to tap this hard-earned knowledge base and repertoire of skills in acts of spontaneous composition. The process closely resembles performance in the linguistic arts of speech, conversation, and discourse, which can be characterized in the same terms. For those who listen to good improvisation, it is usually obvious that themes and structures are present—if embryonic, manipulated, fleeting, or subconscious—or that certain instruments play the role of structural thrall to the improviser; in particular, the bass, which provides a rationalizing foundation in harmony, and the drums which provide a temporal one. The greatest improvisers, though, like Sonny Rollins and John Coltrane, needed no one to provide any rationalizing foundation at all. Each statement they produced contained its own manifest logic; each sound, or note, or phrase, or motif, or sentence they played was developed by some human logic from the one that preceded it and by the one that was to follow. In contrast with the explicit structural design and planning of the architectural approach, the structure in improvisation is largely subtle, or implicit.
But how does this apply to the analogy with writing? Improvisers pursue expressionistic ideals for which there was and is a very limited and specialized audience. By a very wide margin, the audience that is qualified to listen with substantial comprehension and appreciation to musical improvisation is minuscule. Interpretively enabled listening requires many hours of discipline and learning in musical materials and practices in order to prepare the listener to understand what an artist is doing with that material, and to be capable of decoding and interpreting the information stream as it is delivered in real time and perceived. Few, indeed, are they who can do so in any appreciable degree, and so the audience for this music is quite small. To provide illustrative comparisons, how many are they who have read with full comprehension Joyce's Ulysses, or Finnegan's Wake? On a lower plane, how many can and have read Charles Darwin's The Origin of Species? On a still lower plane, how many have read the full text of Whitman's Leaves of Grass? (And yet, how many sing their praises?)
Untutored audiences need full measures of structure and organization; they need explicit guidance and direction. The lapine audience requires pleasure, security, and visceral stimulation, and it fears and shies away from complexity, unpredictability, and unfamiliarity. Such audiences demand distillations, summaries, abstracts, exegeses, encapsulations, interpretive sermons, simplifications.
The writer who wants thereby to put bread on his or her table needs an audience of patrons. Such writers will design and craft writings that meet and do not exceed the needs of, and provide pleasure to, the greatest possible number of people. They not only want, but need a large audience. Benjamin Franklin, writing as Poor Richard in 1733, wrote, “Would you live with ease, Do what you ought, and not what you please.” Writers already ensconced in the echelons of fame and fortune (or of ascetic dispositions) can afford to write for their own idealistic or personal reasons and with contempt for the size of their audience.
In this, and by way of conclusion, Benjamin Franklin's advice is as good or better than most when he, in speaking of the books he authored, wrote, “Yet, like Feasts I'd have my Books Rather be pleasing to the Guests than Cooks.”
That's it, in a nutshell!
On the Outskirts of Town
As a child of three and four, I climbed the dry wooden attic stairs to the musty antique museum that was my grandparents' unfinished third-floor attic. There were old-fashioned trunks, boxes, chairs, and poles supporting clothes on hangars. The attraction was vested in the windows, one on the north side overlooking the neighborhood rooftops, and one on the front, or west side of the house, overlooking the front walk and the street below. The street was paved with rounded red brick, and cars were parked continuously along both sides. Sunsets filtered through that west window like golden honey. I would climb the stairs and crouch by that window—they were all at floor-level—and observe the comings and goings in the world of my neighborhood from a bird's-eye view. Hats and coated shoulders drifted through gates, cars drove off and parked in. Great old sycamore trees stood behind and overmastered the houses across the street, and squirrels could be seen running the lengths of the long branches. When the sun finally descended toward late afternoon, the amber sunlight streamed into the window lighting with a mellow glow the musty planks of the floor, the red bricks and mortar of the chimney and south wall, and the scuffed gilded picture frames stacked there.
At the age of five, we moved away from that house to one that my parents felt was an improvement, but I had lost my eyrie.
At the age of five I was overcome with nostalgia. In a new house in a new world my view was gone and nothing was familiar. Second story windows faced the second story windows of the houses all around. A view of the thick trunks of elms and maples. A ground-level view, obscured by trees.
These are memories. No part of that was conscious then. Decades later it came clear to me that I hadn't really adapted but had carried with me and often returned to my high eyrie in mind. That world of my early childhood remained my world and paradigm. It was not lost, deleted, washed away by time. It was, however, prevented from evolving. That world stopped growing and became the equivalent of the shoe-box full of sepia-toned photographs in my grandparents' attic. Everything that came after was automatically compared to it and came off badly. At the age of five I had been given what appeared to be a choice of two worlds, but there was no real choice.
Like the child of three and four years old that climbed to perch in a high window in an attic that was as quiet as a church, my feet still move of their own accord toward quiet solitude, and my mind toward its native aerial view.
Much of not only my childhood but my adult life, as well, has been characterized by social persecution as people from teachers to mates assert their instinctual impulse to normalize and punish me for my difference. Blows of rectification rain down when my difference is perceived. My tendency toward detachment has always been read by others as evidence that I consider myself superior, and this invariably invites an attack. The irony is that these attacks only reinforce the propriety of preferring detachment.
When I write something, I write it as if I'm looking down on the world from above. From the attic window, things happening down below have obvious patterns and trajectories that cannot be seen from ground level. It is easy and too easy to overlook the individual reality of the hats and shoulders and tops of cars and subsume them all to paths and lines, to see not the person but the habit. But how people resent, how they hate, to be so described. People would prefer to pull down and destroy such a voice than listen to it.
To speak or write and be accepted, the voice people hear must come from their midst. That voice must speak from a face at ground level. And it must speak in the precise language of the group. If the voice is for any reason perceived to come from outside the group or to be looking down on the group from a higher vantage, punitive reflexes are triggered and the voice is discredited, the message is rejected, the messenger is killed.
I have written some things from the view of my attic window. I strain to imagine how they would be heard by the crowd in the street below and I know from a lifetime that everything I have said down to the words I have chosen to say them is likely to be rejected and could incite a violent backlash. So I delete this part. I delete that part. I change some words. I delete a paragraph and then another. I sleep, wake up, read it again, and delete some more. The original thoughts are dead and gone. I am a taxidermist now, posing the lifeless creature in a stance that I hope will delight the crowd in the street, removing all semblance of threat from the manikin, making it appear as innocuous as can be.
Finally, I wake up and there is nothing left but a few incoherent shreds.
It has never worked. I have never been able at any time in my life to blend into the crowd. As soon as I move a muscle, they know I am a stranger, and they bristle. There have been times that I have been found out by my smell alone, let alone when I open my mouth.
Yet, here I am again studying as if from a treetop how to be a member of the wolf pack. With a strong sense of future history I know that I won't last five minutes down there. I can feel the fangs punching into me already.
I live on the outskirts of town. That is where I belong.
Decades ago, after finishing high school, a time when my compatriots took off out of the gate like racehorses to pursue higher education and lucrative careers, I began a long phase in my life of vagabondage. At that very youthful stage, any place that seemed like it could be natural and unspoiled was a place worthy of some kind of quasi-religious pilgrimage. I bought a jeep, and from my home-base in Cleveland, Ohio, roamed in all directions. Going itself was a good-enough reason to go anywhere at any time.
Looking back now, I can see that I was as goofy as an Emerson or a Thoreau; I was both insanely courageous and blithely oblivious. I took off alone on trip after trip around Ohio, and into Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Kentucky, and Tennessee, with almost no money in my pockets, nor any inkling, half the time, of where I was going or what I would be in for. Samson had his tresses to empower him; I had a tent, a sleeping bag, and a cook-set in my four-wheel drive jeep to empower me. There was a waterlogged road atlas always in the bed of the jeep, but I don't recall using it much. I was inclined to follow my instincts at intersections, tending, in a misapplication of poetic sentiment, to turn the way that looked least traveled.
I'd like to tell of a time when I experienced what I would call a breakthrough. I still call it that in spite of having learned since then that winning a battle does not preclude having to fight again tomorrow.
It was in the mid-70s. The draft of cannon-fodder for the Vietnam War had ended in 1973, and by 1975, the US was evacuating and that madness was drawing to an end. I had been watching and listening intently to the hawks and the doves throughout my adolescence, and had never bought into the war. I graduated from high school and moved into an apartment above a storefront on the main drag.
When I couldn't get time off from my job, I had to limit my travels to the countryside around northern Ohio in search of isolated places where I could be alone with my thoughts, commune with nature and friends, and read books in natural surroundings.
On one such ramble, I found a bend of the Chagrin River that was wide, deep, and slow moving. That branch of the river was clean, shallow enough to be effectively solar-heated, and great for some secluded swimming. It was accessible only from the rough access roads that meandered under high-tension electrical transmission lines a few miles west of Chagrin Falls. A couple hundred feet below the level of the access roads, down around the river basin, were glades as Arcadian as any ever known. I got into the habit of returning to the area with books, victuals, and friends.
Once while hiking the woods in the vicinity I came upon a flat area on a wooded height above the river that was clear of brush and arched over by fairly large trees. The ambiance put me in mind of the America of Washington Irving’s Sleepy Hollow, or the Kaatskill Mountains of Rip Van Winkle. I resolved to make it my weekend campsite for the summer.
I set the place up with a nice tent and sleeping bag, gathered stones to form a fire ring, piled up some tinder, and brought in several jugs of fresh water.
The problem—one that I glossed over at the time—was the difficulty of the path I had cut to reach from the high-tension lines where I left my jeep through the woods to the campsite. I had been out to the campsite only twice during the midday hours of broad daylight and thought the path was easy enough to follow for the quarter-mile that it wended its way back to the site.
Then I decided to come back after dark, after getting off work, to spend the night out there in my tent. I returned under the wan light of a waxing crescent moon near midnight, took up my backpack and headed into the mouth of the path—a pitch-black patch visible in the wall of brush—and only then realized my mistake. The moonlight didn’t penetrate the tree canopy and I didn’t have a flashlight. I decided that I could find my way and worked slowly by feel.
For a while, completely blind, I could feel the openings I had cut with my machete and could imagine that I was walking the right number of steps between straight sections of the path and the turns. There were sounds that might have been poisonous snakes and others that could have been brown bears. Branches were clutching and snagging my clothes. I was blind in the darkness, and it was a humid summer night.
A sense of panic started to build. Branches sliced my face and combined to snag me to a halt. There was no sense of a cleared path around me; the terrain didn’t feel familiar; my eyes stared, straining open as widely as they could, but in vain.
Finally, in a full-on sweat, I stopped struggling in the clutches of dense brambles and just stood still and listened. I became aware of a whole symphony of sound. Scores of insects were busy about their lives, leaves were rustling, branches moving. The panic drained out through the soles of my boots to be gradually replaced by the sounds and smells of the night woods. A perfect calm eventually settled over me.
After an indefinite period of standing, listening, breathing, and opening up, I felt myself “at one” with the night and the woods.
On its own, my brain had achieved some identification with the world. I had gone over from outsider to insider and become an insect, a snake, a bear, a wolf. I didn’t think in words or talk to myself at all.
After a while I started to move, feeling the slope under my feet and finding the ways of least resistance through the brush in the direction I felt the camp had to be. It couldn’t have been more than ten or fifteen minutes until I found the campsite and, in the darkness, started a small fire.
My mind had become utterly quiet, full of the sounds and smells of the world. It had entered me, obliterated me, and replaced that with something very quiet, very aware, very alive.
I call this a breakthrough.
I wish I could say that I never again felt afraid of the dark or alienated from the natural world, but there are no such never-ending victories. It has happened again in different ways, times, and places throughout the years and decades that followed. It always entails a relaxation of my grip on ideas, feelings, values; a silencing of the internal monologue; a letting go of things that aren't working; and a willingness to adapt, and even to start over. More often than not, fear proves itself unreal, disproportionate—a dysfunctional phase to be got through as quickly as possible.
Another jeep-era trip was more ambitious: I was going from Cleveland to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park in Tennessee and back in a four-day holiday. Otherwise, it was the same as my other trips: just a pair of hiking boots, a backpack, a tent, and a sleeping bag tossed in the back of the jeep.
Arriving there in the late morning as the mists were all but burned off, I parked at the ranger station, threw on the backpack, walked into the park, and climbed the trail toward the ridge line. I didn't know how far I would go or where I would stay the night—I just hiked along savoring the smells and gawking at the views. As the trail rose, the views opened out, became wider, more expansive. Other ridges became visible across the hazy spans of humid valleys. It grew progressively easier to imagine that I was seeing across the hills through the eyes of a hawk in flight.
In the heat of that mid-afternoon as I sauntered along like the proverbial philosopher, I was overtaken by a stomping rowdy gang of Caucasian men in their late twenties each impressively equipped and carrying a large, heavy, framed backpack. They passed with stentorian shouts, raucous banter, and backward sneers of derision.
Their voices faded away up the trail as I slowed my pace.
When the afternoon grew old and evening was coming on, I came upon their camp. They had set up in a cinder-block shelter with a door of thick iron bars like a free-standing jail cell. Their jarringly loud voices seemed to be testing the limits of the air as they shouted at each other. The picnic table was covered with groceries and bottles of whiskey. A cook-fire smoked and sizzled with burning steak fat. One of them shouted at me that this was the place—the only place capable of keeping out the bears—and I had better get my stuff inside; and at that, they all laughed as at something hilarious. I looked inside at the filth, the black grease on walls and floor, the overflowing trash bin, the wooden bunks claimed by heaps of equipment. I told the band that I hadn't been planning to stop there for the night anyway and hiked out of the camp trying to shut them out of mind.
I trekked about a half-mile farther along the ridge-line trail through the pines. I really couldn't go any farther in the deepening twilight without being caught out in the dark of night with no shelter.
I got off the trail into the trees on the north side, as far off and close to the slope as possible, yet still with a fairly level lay, and pitched my two-man, rust-colored pup tent on a deep bed of pine needles. I wasn't putting it past those guys that some Lord of the Flies-type bourbon-enhanced hazing could come my way, so I made myself inconspicuous to anyone going along the trail. The evening air was warm, the smell of the pines was sweet, and my meal of French bread and Gouda cheese with water from my canteen hit the spot. I made no fire.
It turned out that a half-mile wasn't far enough to get clear of the noise of those revelers. I could still hear their voices when they crescendoed to reverberate in the trees. Fortunately, however, I was tired enough from the day's work to be able to fall asleep in spite of the circumstances.
Sometime in the middle of the night, something brought me half out of a deep slumber. The ground was shaking. And it shook again, and again, and again.
I held my breath and listened.
Water was pouring on the the tent.
Rain?
Not rain. I slowly realized that there was at least one heavy bear just outside whose footfalls were shaking the ground, and it was pissing buckets on the tent to mark it. The remarkable resonance of the sound of its sniffing around the tent recalled to my half-asleep mind the image of an enormous bloodhound—the Baskerville Hound—with vacuum-cleaner snout and cavernous lungs.
I continued to lie motionless breathing shallow breaths and being thankful that I had created no lingering food smells, nor had I littered. I had left nothing outside the tent. Even my boots were inside.
The whooshing wind of the sniffing against the tent sides and the thumping and thudding footfalls continued to shake the ground for a long while. The night was otherwise silent. The racket from the drunks had ceased while I was asleep.
I'm not sure how long it took, but I still felt the thudding footfalls until I dozed off. I didn't wake again before the pre-dawn light lit the tent walls.
With that dawn, I felt myself reprogrammed. Where the day before I had come into that place filled with a naïve, almost religious reverence, the new day held for me only one mission: to leave. I packed up with one eye out for late-retiring bears and headed back down along the trail with a rolling stride that contrasted sharply with the indulgent saunter of the day before.
I came down past a scene of devastation at the camp of the brigands, trash and empty bottles about as if scattered by an explosion. Their snores still echoed out of the bunkhouse while one of them, bleary-eyed and catatonic like a character in Night of the Living Dead, was trying to start a fire for coffee. He asked me how my night had gone and I said I was fine and asked about theirs. He only said that there had been bears everywhere.
I hardly slowed down to hear him out. I was down the mountain in a fraction of the time it had taken to climb it, back in the jeep, and out on the northbound highway before most folks had risen for breakfast that day.
On the freeways, there's not much else to do but think. That day, I had time to think about parks, and people. It seemed clear that the big parks were all that was left of the mythical American wilderness—the Wild West—where people could still go and express the worst of themselves without having their fun cramped by civilized restraints or laws. The bears were confined to the parks just as those Native Americans that survived the invasion were confined to their reservations. The bears were just out looking for food, eking out a subsistence. They were the have-nots scrounging for the scraps left by the haves, the masters.
It was the story of America in microcosm.In the end, I realized that I was the thing that was wrong with this picture. I had been driven to climb the mountain by some religious instinct, by some poetic advice. It was I that had been blind to both human and natural reality.
But too often, such realizations do not wisdom make.
That jeep was one of the older, more primitive kind, built by AMC before jeeps became a fad. It was painted tan, had a decent six-cylinder engine, and a manual, 2WD/4WD transmission. The top was wide open and its windshield was hinged and could clip down to steel loops on the hood. If needed, one could erect a cloth top with cloth doors.
It had a padded roll bar over the driver's head that saved my neck twice.
On freeways, wind howls through every crevice in the soft top and starts flapping oscillations and whumping pockets everywhere.
Out there, music played loudly could make it bearable; and at the time, nothing could be finer, for me, than rolling along to blaring cassette tapes of the Allman Brothers, or Robin Trower's Bridge of Sighs.
Singing off-key at the top of my lungs along with Dickie Betts, “Don't fly, Mister Blue Bird, I'm just walking down the road. Early morning sunshine tells me all I need to know,” I headed north from Cleveland one early summer in the long ago. Northward through the forests of Michigan's Lower Peninsula on Interstate 75, the jeep and I rolled along singing our hearts out—me to the music and it whumping, whapping, and whistling. I was headed to discover the wilderness of Canada inside of one week's rambling.
I remember now nothing of the miles of woods we traversed to arrive at the stunning Mackinac Bridge, the third-longest suspension bridge in the world, spanning the Straits of Mackinac between the Lower and Upper Peninsulas in northern Michigan.
The Straits of Mackinac are the channel by which Lake Michigan communicates with Lake Huron, and the vicinity is home to the famous resort on Mackinac Island where the film Somewhere in Time was filmed in 1979.
But that hadn't happened yet, and it was no part of my goal anyway to hob-nob with the well-to-do, even if I could have afforded to, so we just kept on straight ahead for the equally stunning Sault Sainte-Marie International Bridge over the busy locks on the St. Mary's River, and crossed over into Canada.
The jeep and I turned eastbound on the Trans-Canada Highway at Sault Sainte-Marie and went right along the northern shore of Georgian Bay. It was beautiful, and by comparison to most places I'd been in the United States, cleaner and much more sparsely populated. There were long stretches of rocky gray outcrops, crystalline blue lakes and lakescapes, and green pines under clear blue skies. It looked to me like we were driving along in a real life picture postcard of the Canadian woods, but in reality, each time I stopped at some postcard-perfect bit of shoreline or lake, there were terrifying clouds of sanguivorous mosquitoes, horseflies, midges, and who knows what starving insects for whom my blood was the very food they craved.
The terrain on the Canadian Shield is distinctly different, with its Precambrian bedrock exposed between patches of shallow soil and shallow lakes. The region is entrancing; saved from human exploitation, perhaps, by its unfitness for agriculture. Instead, it features mineral-rich areas, and I was headed east toward, but not for, Sudbury, a nickel and copper mining and transportation center in North Ontario. I planned to enjoy the scenery en route as much as the horseflies would let me, and then use Sudbury as a place for deciding which way to turn next.
I don't remember what got into me when I arrived there. It could have been that I thought, “Well, I've come this far north, and I may never come this far north again; so why not try to see James Bay?”
I was young, free, and almost impervious to personal discomfort. I also happened to be particularly vulnerable to self-persuasion by the “Why not?” argument, which I seem to have never been able to refute.
So, at or near Sturgeon Falls on Lake Nipissing, the jeep and I turned north; I with an accelerated heartbeat in a spirit of blithe adventure.
James Bay! Hudson Bay and the many Northwest Passage expeditions! The days of the Hudson Bay Company!
Two more hours of driving north under gray skies, however, through blustery chill winds that shoved and buffeted the jeep rudely, and through the same kind of Canadian Shield terrain of rocky exposures, lakes, and ever-more-pathetic-looking pines and brush, had worn all that high spirit away by the time I approached the Lake Temagami area. The thought of the hours more of driving north through increasing desolation and hardship started to outweigh anything that a glimpse of the historic bay could offer me.
And something had begun to happen to my soul.
Intending to see Lake Temagami instead of continuing on to James Bay, I turned westward off the lightly trafficked, two-lane, northward route onto some unmarked, unimproved road, engaged the four-wheel drive, and motored in low gear through dark stands of pine.
The jeep and I went on and on at an easy pace over dirt tracks, clambering over bare rock, never seeing another vehicle, human being, or sign of settlement or civilization.
At some point in that wending and winding, my heart started to frost over, and whatever had done that also hit my head with a sobering jolt.
I got the feeling that I was way off the beaten track of the human world and had been a little too casual about getting there.
I could die out here and be dead for a long time before anybody found my bones. Steady, now. I came this far to see what the world is like way up here. Heck. I haven't even gone as far north as the 49 degrees north latitude that is the boundary out west between Canada and the USA, let alone the 66 and half degrees of the Arctic Circle, or the 69 degrees north latitude where John Franklin's expedition to find the Northwest Passage was lost with all hands in 1845.
So I tried to calm myself.
At long last, the jeep broke free of the trees and confronted an enormous body of water that I couldn't see across—an inland sea.
I got out of the jeep into a brisk headwind and walked around on the exposed rock by the water's edge. It was a dark, gray lake under a steel-gray sky, and a cold wind was blowing out of the north, white-capping the surface and chilling me down to the brains and bones.The surface of the water started to look heavy, like liquid mercury; and where I could see down into it, seemed almost black.
I sat on the rocks to get under the wind and surveyed the visible shoreline.
Due to the heavy overcast, everywhere I looked seemed dark, forbidding, obscure. There were no houses, no docks, no boats, no electric lines. The scene could have been—no, it certainly had been—the same for thousands of years.
As I sat there ducking the wind and having my small measure of human warmth sucked out of me, I had been psychically shrinking, feeling increasingly like I was marooned on a deserted foreign planet.
Never in all my years of camping, hiking, and cross-country skiing had I ever felt so small, so far from home.
A mote on the world.
An invisible hand swatted down the whole array of switches in my mind shutting everything from on to off, from go to no-go.
As mentally chilled as I was physically, I got back in the jeep, which now seemed the greatest luxury in the universe, and backed it slowly out the way it had come in until I was able to turn it around and head out.
I did not lose it. I drove slowly and deliberately all the way back out until I reached an improved road, then disengaged the 4WD and headed south at speed.
I beat an existential retreat.
I drove straight south, reaching Toronto before entirely reconstituting as a real and substantial human being.
Toronto is a beautiful city; the people very friendly, and the food good; nevertheless, I was done with the pines and lakes and Precambrian bedrock of the cold north, and lingered for only a day, before pushing in the cassette tape of Brothers and Sisters and running it up to Southbound.
The jeep was finally sold off to pay for another stretch of college tuition.
After high school, I had put in a few years at Cleveland State University in liberal arts and philosophy courses. I was going to be a philosopher; until, one day, I realized there is virtually no such remunerated thing.
Unlike then, this time I had a practical goal in mind. I split my time between studies in art and education. I was going to be an art teacher.
All of the coursework was done except student teaching.
I was sent out into the Cleveland city schools like chum tossed to sharks. The students treated me like a piñata. The camel's back broke when I smilingly addressed a student who looked and me and spat on the floor in reply. I apologized to the teacher, went outside to find the tires on my Ford Maverick slashed, and walked out of the neighborhood to where I could catch a bus home and call a tow-truck.
They couldn't pay me enough to make that worth my while.
The goal of becoming an art teacher drifted away like a helium balloon.
College could wait.
I fell back on rambling.
I was spending a lot of time on America's interstate freeways going from rest stop to rest stop, from state to state, and city to city, trying to get an idea of what all the places I'd ever heard about were like.
I can only wonder now at the naivety that led me to think that different cities and their residents were really different. Maybe the great rivalries between professional sports teams that were so hyped-up on TV and radio had me thinking that there was some real difference between these arch-rivals. And maybe there had been some historical distinctions that were significant in their day and age.
Not so in modern corporate America.
It didn't take long to find out that modern American places all looked pretty much the same. The same corporations had the same emporiums in the same arrangement and style everywhere I went. Cities were box after concrete box, and car after car after truck. Every place in between seemed like the identical stretch of freeway over and over again, and every exit ramp a detour onto a strip of highway littered with identical gas, motel and fast food franchises.
I ate the same generic food everywhere I went. There was no choice. All the essential sameness ran together. The old saying, “If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all,” was making so much sense that those words began to come to mind more and more frequently until they beat like Jumanji drums that only I could hear.
Near the end of one summer-time stint of driving south along the east coast all the way from Provincetown, Massachusetts, to Florida, I had stopped for a while in Orlando, a nice enough town, and was ready for the ocean.
I drove to a less famous stretch of the Atlantic coast and checked into a cheap motel a few blocks back from the beach. It didn't matter. A short walk through the streets, the people, and the hotels along the beach-front took me to an ocean that was idyllic.
The water was warm and inviting.
I swam slowly out away from the beach, and soon was afloat on my back just below the surface of large warm ocean swells with only my face above water, cloudless blue sky and blue ocean all one. So warm and calm were they both that my brain and body were as silent as if they had drifted away or sunk.
A while later, back on the warm sand of the beach, thoughts returned and whispered of the dangers that had surrounded me: sharks could have taken my body for a meal; my nose and mouth could have been swamped by a wave and I could have drowned; I might have dozed on the swells long enough to have been floated away in a current. Ironically, these shadows grew longer across my mind as I sat in safety on the beach, condominiums lining the road behind, and bodies walking all around.
Facing east, looking down the beach to the gentle surf, the vast sky over the calm sea of that late afternoon in August developed colors that struck me dumb. I stayed there until all the color had gone and the gorgeous hues of twilight had deepened into darkness.
Heading back to the motel over the sandy beach-side roads, I saw myself seated on the varnished mahogany deck of a small sailboat far out to sea—in the wind of a world of sky—horizon lines melted into the oceanic mirror. I shuffled along under palms in the harsh quartz-iodine light of street-lamps with scenarios playing themselves out in my imagination: me clinging to the mast as my boat slid down the sides of waves the size of mountains; shark fins cutting little wakes as they circled my becalmed boat; parching and starving somewhere in the millions of square miles of the oceans.
All seashores are wonderful, hills and mountains magnificent, big rivers awe-inspiring, and big, old trees beautiful, but it was never truly difficult to frame them in the rear-view mirror and watch them shrink in the increasing distance of departure.
Back on the road, I peered through the windshield over a long, mind-numbing stretch of interstates that took me back to the Lake Erie shore, to the home fort, to the job. No cassette tapes this time; just the whine of tires, the thrum of pistons, the occasional heart-rhythm of windshield wipers in the rain.
I hit a slump.
It hadn't paid off. I had driven thousands of miles and seen hundreds of places, but it was getting through to me less and less.
Then, in an inspired stroke of genius, I got a motorcycle—a used, abused, 1970 Triumph Bonneville 650, some parts painted red, some green, missing its fenders, and affordable.
I found myself flying out the back door as soon I woke up every one of those early autumn days that followed. I couldn't wait to push the Triumph out of the garage, turn on the FM radio to WMMS, and get going flushing the old gas and oil into pie pans on the gravel drive; re-filling with fresh; cleaning the carburetors with a toothbrush soaked in gas; setting the gaps between the points and the rockers; putting in new plugs; checking the sparks; going over every bit to make sure it was right with itself and the system. After a few days of such attention, it fired up on a couple kicks.
I climbed on that motorcycle, twisted the throttle and took a baptismal bath of rebirth in noise, fumes, and power. It was like I had tuned-up myself right along with the motorcycle.
The motorcycle and I cruised the streets, I in a state of rapture. I hardly saw the houses or the trees. Seeing things was no longer the point. Yes, I was still going out after a quasi-religious experience, but the object had moved from out there to in here. It was the feel and the sound of the engine, the smooth grace of the motorcycle's dynamic balance, and the fantastically mobile ease of covering distances that absorbed my attention. The fat rubber tires tracked lines over the pavement as graceful as the cuts of a figure-skater's blades in ice. It was not hard to imagine riding bareback on a Bengal tiger, gripping the scruff of its neck to steer. It didn't matter to me which road I cruised or which way I turned or how long I was gone. The motorcycle looked so good, sounded so good, and felt so good to ride that it was sufficient unto itself, and for a time, it was all I wanted to do. The motorcycle became an unconscious part of me.
Riding that Triumph afforded the experience of riding through the world with an unrestricted field, all the senses engaged with it. Again, like on the ridge line trail in the mountains, I was seeing the world through the eyes of a hawk in flight. As long as I was in a state of the union that did not mandate the wearing of a safety helmet, there was nothing but the great dome of the sky overhead as I rode.
I had spent years, on and off, and what money I had, on college; but I had lost heart in it. I had spent years earning the dollars I needed to live. I had spent years in the cabs of cars peering through windshields at the world and it hadn't paid off. Now, I just wanted to live in that space—the infinite head-room of the open motorcycle—and fly over the roads like gliding on outspread wings, eyes wide, taking it all in.
At the time there was money enough for gas, I figured, but not much more to pay for things like food or shelter. Somehow, though, those very real things seemed as unreal as had the bears outside my tent in Tennessee.
I'll eat simply. I'll camp out. I'll see the light if I'm out there on the motorcycle immersed in the world.
Persuading myself was nothing more than a pretense. As soon as the idea had come to me, it had already been a done deal.
I tied my old camping gear onto the Triumph, attached some army-surplus ammo pouches to frame rails and cross-members to hold tools, spark plugs, and spare bits, and put some of my hardier clothing into a small, brown nylon duffel.
Even at that bare minimum of stuff, it was a load of luggage for the lean, tigrine Triumph. It took some time and bungee-cord magic to get everything bound up in such a way that it wasn't heaped too high and wouldn't shift too easily.
I took a leave of absence from work, said goodbyes to uncomprehending family and friends whose questions I could not answer, and took off westbound.
Joy, bliss, and nirvana made my head swim and my eyes throb, cruising west through canopies of gorgeous fall foliage, leaving in my wake only the mellow growl of the Triumph engine and the sweet smell of well-combusted gasoline. If I could have separated those emotional drugs and taken them one at a time, I might have planned my trip. Northern Ohio, Indiana, and all of Wisconsin rolled away around us before a single rational thought took shape:
Hell, it's late September.
But while that engine was running the bliss was pumping, and I was coming into Duluth, Minnesota, before that thought grew teeth and chomped into me hard enough to sober me.
Approaching the outskirts of Duluth, the motorcycle and I rumbled up to our first stoplight in six hours under heavily overcast skies. We slowed, we stopped, and we fell over in the middle of the road because my legs were completely numb, didn't work, and I didn't even know it. People in cars all around must have been startled, but not a single one got out or offered to help. They probably thought, “Damned drunken motorcyclist! They're all the same!”
Of course, I couldn't get my legs working fast enough to beat the clock on the stoplight, and had a real fight on my hands getting my tree-stump legs to work and get the heavy motorcycle upright, and it and the spilled luggage off the road while cars sped mercilessly by around me.
I must have looked like a lunatic dancing at the curbside to get the blood going in my legs, face pinched like a prune against the pain of pins and needles in my legs, while I cursed and rearranged the gear on the bike.
Up the road ahead I saw a big J. C. Penney department store. Between shivers, I resolved not to skimp on their best thermal underwear, and didn't.
The additional expense doomed me to weeks of eating hot soup and soda crackers, but I added a good windbreaker over my shirt and sweater while I was in there. Months later, the extra holes punched into my belt to shorten it became a matter of some pride. And I had learned the secret that the billion-dollar weight-loss industry didn't want anyone to know: eat less and you'll lose weight. Guaranteed.
All warmed up and brazen in my new thermal armor, and then hit with a shot of adrenalin when the engine fired up, nothing made more sense than heading northwest toward Bemidji, then to Fargo, North Dakota, and beyond that into the northern plains.
The pine forests and chill rains of Minnesota waited.
On the edge of west Bemidji, pinned down in a little café in my damp clothes, looking westward through the rain-glazed window through most of the day that followed, I wrote down the thoughts of the road in a notebook that is lost. Minnesota in September, like Wisconsin before it, was wet, forested, and cool—that much I'll never forget, or miss.
It could have been around three or four o'clock in the afternoon when the rain stopped. Sunlight blazed in the puddles and raindrops with a molten white light that blinded me through the café window.
Reprieved!
I had been sitting around in my damp clothes all day and had had enough of looking out the window. My waitress had long-since stopped asking if I wanted a refill.
I went out into some of the freshest air I've ever tasted to mount the drenched dripping Triumph. It cranked to life and we cruised slowly out of town splashing happily through pond-like puddles. That big sun light was out there ahead of us in the west, and we chased after it.
In the miles that followed, we rolled on a ribbon of two-lane blacktop between big barns and farmhouses, over long sweeping waves of terrain. The trees eventually began to thin out, whether from farmers clear-cutting or from being ever farther out onto the prairie lands, I can't say. For the first time on that trip I was running to make time, flying to dry my clothes and get clear of the cold, wet east and its damp forests.
Finally, there came a moment when we broke free of trees and hit out into the gently rolling land that had far fewer of them. The air had become drier and easier to breathe. There was no more damp chill in it and I took it in extravagantly by the lungs-full.
Because it was dry, the air was utterly transparent. I could see for hundreds of miles. The sky seemed to double in size when there was nothing around the horizon to eat into it. The land, too, now appeared to spread out to infinity because nothing was blocking or limiting the view of it.
My eyes telescoped into the tawny distances in all directions, and just like my eyes, there was nothing out there to stop me from expanding. I felt myself opening outward in spirit. There was nothing and no one pushing back. I was not surrounded any more.
Visibility had become so great that distinctly different weather patterns were visible at different ranges in the distances around the horizons. I looked around as a storm system could be seen in its bounded entirety well away in the southeast, sheer gorgeous blue skies and orange sunlight ahead in the west, and cumulus clouds ranging away in a pattern to the north and to the east behind me.
By the time I got well into rural northern North Dakota, I was in awe, just like that time in the ocean swells off eastern Florida, but better. Here, there were no abyssal depths below, no mountainous waves above, and no sharks on the hunt for my flesh and bones. My motorcycle had become the skiff that I had imagined, sailing on ocean waves of grass under a shoreless sky so big around that it pegged the mind's meter on “infinity.” I couldn't stop from smiling for joy, and like a well-traveled car radiator, my teeth filled up with gnats, (though my sun-burned face had been caked with them for the past thousand miles).
The motorcycle and I settled into a smooth rolling cruise of about 45 miles per hour. With each passing mile, the sensation grew stronger of being windblown in a small boat on an immense, gramineous ocean.
Why have I not heard tell of this place and this experience before?
Cruising slowly along, just as it had when I was a long-distance runner, freed the mind to reflect in depth. How odd that people see mountains but don't see plains; see the sculpture, but not the plinth. For two hundred years, the plains and prairies of the heartland of the American continent have been like the plinth on the pedestal of the nation. People see the uplifted features and the relieved features just fine, and these things are named and known by contrast with the plains. But the prairies and plains themselves—why, there's just nothing there.
In Shakespeare's famous terms, the plains are a stage empty of players. If “all the world's a stage,” then the play upon it is a human envelope, a giant ball of string of entwined humanity, set upon a stage for an audience of people who are so desperate to program themselves as proper human beings that they study and judge each other in a life-long process of mutual obsession. Where and when humans and their complexities are absent, people find it difficult or impossible to care—they have little interest in, or fraternity with, the non-human.
Out here in the real world of the planet, away from any theater of recursive human madness, the senses heighten in the same way they would if occupied with human dramas, but are more richly rewarded. The eyes find themselves situated at the center of a grand sphere of stunning abundance. They scan around to see innumerable grasses and flowers that defy naming; overhead into skies of infinite depth in which color gradients appear that, too, defy naming. Cloud formations of infinitely varied forms appear there that defy the ability of the mind to name them. And once the sun has set, night skies composed of the lights of an infinity of stellar objects appear to dumbfound, again, the rendering capability of the human brain. The ears are treated to wind-song, the sounds of grasses and leaves harmonizing in the winds; to the songs of life: to birdsong that beggars our turgid musical compositions; to coyote-song, wolf-song, and the songs of a thousand other animals and a million insects. The nose takes in the unparalleled richness of the uncountable and unnameable smells of life and death in the air.
There are so many things for which people have no names, and these words are the limit of human power. Without our names, we are small. Without our words, we are animals among the rest.
Back in the human envelope, people have surrounded themselves with names and words, with frames and measures, with shields, shelters, blinders and barriers—all in the nature of valves on everything to control the rate at which the real world comes at us; that is, when we let the real world approach us at all.
Out in the plains, the absence of that came to me as an immeasurable relief. I felt as if I had been released from a life sentence in prison.
I stopped the motorcycle and stood alongside a road in the prairies of rural North Dakota. In every direction, an ocean of grasses moved—singing—in the shifting winds. No cars followed. No houses were visible. For an hour no other people or vehicles passed.
The world is not a stage for the played-out plays of humanity. The world is beyond naming, and I was a mote on the world, in the wind of a world of sky.